Your Next Steps to Bring Back Stability!
Sometimes you just want to cry! Recently, Cindy & I recorded a video entitled, Stability without Stress where we discussed the phenomenon that we see regularly this time of year.
‘Twas the weekend before Christmas…
All through the house, confusion and disarray, with things out of sorts. The adult kids came home for a holiday visit only to find Mom in such a sad state. They had planned to return home on a very nearby date, but they see that Mom so desperately needs their help.
What to do to return stability in Mom’s life?!
We are already getting calls from adult kids who went home for the holidays to find things very different from what they expected. They love their Mom & Dad and talk to them every week by phone. They may even have an occasional Facetime chat or Zoom call. But there is a big difference in doing a video chat or phone call vs. being there in person.
Cindy & I have seen this phenomenon play out (too) many times in the 30+ years of our elder law practice. While there is not an easy button anywhere in sight, there are things that can be done to make the situation better.
Knowing vs. Understanding
The adult kids may have known that their parents are declining, but they didn’t understand the gravity of the situation. In many cases the adult kids knew that their parents were declining cognitively. However, with this newfound opportunity to visit in person for a few days, they have come to realize that it’s much worse than they realized.
-OR- they may have known that their parents were declining physically, but when they come home for a Christmas visit, they can now see that their parents are struggling mightily to even move about the house. They learn that their parents are still driving, doing grocery shopping and running other tasks and wonder how much longer they can continue to do these things in their current physical state.
-OR- they see their Dad declining cognitively and physically and their Mom, who has physical issues of her own, is the primary caregiver. Mom, at her advanced age, is doing good to take care of herself – let alone take care of Dad. The adult kids have offered to help and have suggested many options, but Mom & Dad insist that they want to remain at home alone.
The situations above place the well-being of both parents into danger.
Love from a distance
None of the adult kids live close. Most of them are flying distance away. They see their parents struggling and know that they are only a fall away from requiring hospitalization then probable facility care.
They know Mom & Dad love each other and want to continue to live together at home for the rest of their lives. The kids hear the fear in Mom’s voice but also sense her spirit of independent determination to carry out the couple’s plan, articulated long ago, to take care of each other and to remain at home for the rest of their lives. Whatever it takes, Mom is determined to make that happen!
The kids respect that independent spirit and want to help, but what do they do? They have offered to help – many times! But their offers to (1) move Mom & Dad in with them; (2) to help them get an apartment close to any of the kids; (3) to bring in independent non-medical caregivers to help; (4) to help Mom & Dad move to an assisted living facility; or to even (5) quit their job and move their family back home so they could be there to help – ALL of these offers have fallen on seemingly deaf ears.
Mom is adamant in her iron will to continue to live at home with no outside help. To see all of this tears at the heart and soul of the adult kids. There has to be something that can be done, but what is it?
Stability Without Stress
Because we have been asked so many times, Cindy & I decided that we would do what we have never done before – we are presenting an online training series — LIVE! During the month of January 2021, we are offering an interactive deep dive training that we have entitled Stability Without Stress. This Course will be offered LIVE over a period of 4 weeks.
We will meet once a week via Zoom where we will present that week’s course content and will answer your questions live during the call. We will also have “office hours” each week via Zoom (or phone) where you can ask any questions that you were not able to ask during the course. AND if you can’t virtually attend the course live, we will give you a website where you can watch the replays at your convenience.
During the term of this course we will be asking you questions as well. We know that COVID-19 has changed everything. Many people can’t get out of the house. Many others are reluctant to bring in outside caregivers for fear of spreading the virus to their loved ones. There are so many issues now that didn’t exist last year at this time. As a result, all these unwelcome changes, many families have had to drastically change the way they interact with and provide assistance to their declining parents. We want to know what changes you have made in the last year and what things you are struggling with. We want your input, and we want to address your concerns. The whole purpose of this course is to discuss the issues help to come up with some solutions!
Why are we doing this?
This is a good question that we have asked ourselves many times. As you can imagine, to commit to something like this takes a ton of time, which is time we really don’t have. We are carving out time away from our Elder Law Practice to make this happen.
We are only doing this because we have received so many questions over the years about these issues AND because we see the massive pain and hurt that is experienced by all of the adult children of declining parents. You want so much to help but may not know where to start. You want to help but don’t know how to get past the roadblocks.
The purpose of this course is to get you past these roadblocks. It is to help you gain stability in your lives and in the lives of your parents… AND to get that stability while minimizing the stress that is felt by you and by your aging parents. We hope you will join us in the 4 week interactive course, which will start January 14th. Please go to stabilitywithoutstress.com for more details and to register.