What if you can’t stay home with Mom?


I met with a lady the other day whose mother is in a nursing home.  Her Mom had declined to the point where she needed physical assistance in doing most things. And she was also confined to a wheelchair.  Mom still knew Daughter but had declined cognitively.

Daughter was experiencing some very mixed feelings at the time.  She was very thankful for the nice facility that her Mom was in. As well as the great care that her Mom was receiving.  But at the same time, she was very remorseful that her Mom HAD to be in a nursing home.

She said “You know, I thought that I would be able to take care of Mom for the rest of her life.  Now when Mom is at the point in her life where she needs me the most. I can’t be there for her – I have to work”. 

Whether Daughter could actually take care of Mom at home is another issue.  Sometimes parents decline to the point that it is a challenge for them to be at home with just one family Caregiver.  Additional care is soon required.  If this Daughter tried to be the sole Caregiver, at home with her Mom, it may not have worked.

I think the point the Daughter was making was that she felt robbed of the opportunity to try.

Her attempt may or may not have worked, but Daughter felt that she could have done it.  She felt that her Mom’s life would be better and she, as a Daughter, would have felt more fulfilled if she could have provided the care for her Mom, just as her Mom had always done for her.

What do you think?  Was Mom better off in a nice nursing home anyway?  Was Daughter feeling guilty because Mom was in a facility OR was she feeling guilty because she couldn’t take off to provide care?

Please leave your comments below.


P.S.  In our next post, we will talk about what Mom (and Daughter) could have done differently if they could roll the clock back 10 years.